


downward spiral

by stydiaxdestiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Alcoholic Dean Winchester, Angst, Drug Abuse, M/M, Self Harm, Suicidal Dean, Worried Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-25 23:18:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4980499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stydiaxdestiel/pseuds/stydiaxdestiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>•trigger warning-contains some form of self harm and also a suicide attempt.  <br/>•May have some spoilers for all seasons of supernatural. I didn't create the characters and don't own them they belong to the supernatural creators. <br/>•most of this is made up in my head but some references to past seasons will be in here and the characters are the same. hasn't really got a time plan everything's just kind of jumbled together, but here's basically what happens.<br/>•deans suffering with anxiety and guilty feelings about the deaths of his family&friends including (spoiler!) Ellen, Jo, Bobby, Kevin and Charlie. <br/>•he is also suffering because cas has disappeared again and dean believes he may be dead, and blames himself. <br/>he turns to alcohol and old prescription meds to numb the pain of it all.<br/>•sam is getting increasingly concerned but dean won't open up, so sam prays to cas to return. <br/>•dean is on a downward spiral.u</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dean groggily opened his eyes, retching and heaving from last nights bender. groaning as he pulled the sheets from him, he slowly got up and walked to his mirror in his bedroom at the bunker. the reflection staring back at him was not the man he once thought himself to be.  
the great dean Winchester, unstoppable.   
the man who had died more times than anyone could count, who always had a plan. the man who could reduce demons and monsters alike to blubbering messes.   
but, that man was not who he was today.  
dean sighed, running a hand through his hair, and taking in his pale skin and sunken eyes, dark bags having formed underneath them.   
dean looked into his reflections green eyes, noting how dull they had become. it was as though all the life had been sucked out of them, all the hope he once had had was long gone.   
dean remembered everything. every bad thing he had ever done or played a part in.   
shaking his head he turned and walked out of his room, making sure he was quiet so he didn't wake sam. he trudged along the hallways of the bunker towards the kitchen, scrunching his nose at the smell of cooking.   
'shit' dean winced, banging his hip on the side of the table.  
sam spun round, mouth full of-what was that? tomato?  
dean grimaced. where the hell his brother inherited his healthy habits from he will never know...mom probably.   
'hey dean...dean?' sam approached dean, a look of sadness in his features.   
'yeah sammy?' dean could tell sam wanted to talk, about all that mushy gushy chick flick moment kinda stuff and dean really wasn't in the mood.   
'dean. you...you look awful. how much sleep did you get last night?' sam genuinely was concerned about his brothers well being. since everything happened-Kevin dying, cas disappearing-dean had become withdrawn, a shell of the man he had once been.  
'I'm fine sammy. I got at least 2 hours and that's good enough for me.'  
deans sharp response prompted a more stricken look from sam, who proceeded to pour him a cup of coffee.  
'here, drink this..um, I'm making breakfast, omelettes actually...if you want some?' sam knew to be cautious-he could tell something was off with dean, and as much as he cared about his brother he did not want to be caught in an argument with him.  
'no, thanks sammy. I'm good. just tired yano. have we got a job?' dean shuffled on the spot before going to the drinks cabinet and silently taking out a bottle of whisky, and pouring some straight in his coffee.  
sam winced, looking at the clock. 7:30 in the morning and dean was already drinking...but he let it slide.   
'well no actually, things have been pretty quiet...makes you wonder though doesn't it? Yano, like maybe it's the quiet before the storm?' Sams pondering was cut short by deans response.  
'finally. we've been working our asses off for months, at least now we get a little break.' dean took a large gulp of his coffee/whisky and took a long look at sam.   
'I'm gonna go back to bed. um, don't wake me..unless something comes up, please sammy.' dean, still clutching the bottle of whisky retreated to his room, leaving sam stood in the kitchen, a crestfallen look having taken over his features. 

dean slowly climbed back into his warm bed, thankful for the soft sheets and comfy mattress.   
he sank into his thoughts, running through the past couple of months, and years, in his head.   
he made a mental list of all the people whom he had considered to be family, who were his family, that he had lost.   
mom.   
dad.  
Ellen.   
Jo.   
he took a sharp intake of breath.  
Bobby.   
tears welling up in his eyes, he carried on.  
Kevin.   
Charlie.  
cas...  
the tears began to flow freely as dean whimpered to himself softly.  
'how could you let this all happen? these people, your friends, your family...you were meant to look out for them. but you just couldn't do it.'  
dean quickly opened the whisky, tipping the bottle to his lips, feeling the burning liquid run down his throat.   
'you stupid son of a bitch. you spent so long feeling sorry for yourself, you didn't realise how good you had it. you had a family, and a damn good one at that. but you let it all go, you got too caught up in the job. you ruined it, like you always do'   
the voice in deans head had been here a lot recently, a constant reminder of everything and everyone dean had failed.   
but the worst thing was not knowing. not knowing if cas was alive or dead...angel or human. for all dean knew, cas could be face down in a ditch somewhere. or worse. dean shuddered at the thought of his friend being under threat.   
draining the last of the bottle, he looked up to the roof and clasped his hands together.  
'cas? cas...I don't know if you can hear me. hell, I don't know if your even alive anymore. I...I miss you buddy. it's all gotten so much worse. I know you believed in me, but I can't do it anymore cas. I've let everyone down...I've watched most of the people I love die, cas. but with you, I just don't know. I hope to hell..no, I hope to heaven your alive, and okay. please...if you can hear me...just give me a sign your okay. come home cas. please?' dean wiped the salty tears from his face, crawling under the covers, shielding himself from the outside world and its responsibilities. 

sam stood outside deans doorway, tears in his eyes and his heart almost broken in two. dean had always looked after him, but he couldn't do anything to help dean. dean was broken, and sam didn't know how to patch him up. this wasn't like the wounds they got on a hunt, this was a deep rooted self hatred that dean had always had. the constant fear of letting people down, of failing them.   
sam waited until he heard deans breathing level in sleep to walk away, knowing that for now at least, his brother wouldn't have the weight of the world on his shoulders.


	2. Chapter 2

gripped by fear, dean raced through the forest, stumbling over a log and cutting his shin. picking himself up he carried on running, having no idea where he was going, he just knew he had to get away from something.   
he came out in a clearing, and there in front of him was the barn.   
dean stopped short, a knife seeming to twist it's burning blade in his heart. he remembered the first time he came here, just after he was raised from hell. he remembered the fear he had felt at what was to come, the fear that gripped him all over. he remembered his confusion when the angel Castiel walked through the door, and claimed it had been gods will to save him from hell.  
dean shook himself out of the memory, all his fear from earlier had subsided. nothing was chasing him. that's what he was scared of-nothing. having nothing, no one. his deepest fear was of losing those he treasured most.   
limping towards the door of the barn, dean tried to hold it together. there was a reason he had come here...his angel. cas was inside the barn, he knew it.  
he kicked open the door, and quickly scanned the whole barn with his eyes.   
nothing.  
an intense hot white fear filled dean, his vision blurred and his breathing began to pick up speed.  
he stumbled forward, and screamed, a heartbroken and angst filled shriek. he screamed for those he had lost, for those he had failed. he screamed for sam, whom he knew he could not protect forever.   
he screamed for cas, his voice becoming hoarse and cracking.   
falling to his knees, dean felt the life seep out of him, and he lay on the floor of the barn, tears streaming freely down his face.   
'cas...why did you leave me? I don't know where you are...I don't know what to do. I can't do it anymore cas, it's too hard. sammy, well, he's the only thing keeping me here since...since you disappeared. cas I miss you, I need you. please cas.'  
dean poured his heart out to the roof of the barn, scrunching his eyes up to stop more tears.   
he had been wrong, cas hadn't been calling him here. nothing was here.   
nothing.  
he was nothing. he was no one...he didn't deserve the family he had been given, for he had failed them. all of them, especially Sammy. 

sam heard deans cries long before he woke up.   
standing next to him, shaking him, trying anything to wake him up, sam felt the hot tears roll down his cheeks.   
'dean. DEAN! dean, come on, wake up, dean! dean this isn't real, your having a nightmare!'   
sam felt his brother begin to panic in his sleep, his shrieks only having stopped because he could not breathe.  
sam stood up quickly. 'shit.' he raced to the bathroom and grabbed a glass of cold water, running back to hyperventilating dean, who was still asleep. sam threw the icy water over deans face in a desperate attempt to wake him.

dean gasped at the feel of the cold liquid on his face, juddering and opening his eyes. he saw sam looking down on him, eyes puffy from crying. dean slowly sat up, refusing to acknowledge what had happened. he tried to speak but instead let out a low whimper, causing Sams eyes to well up even more.   
'sammy? dude, don't cry.' dean jumped up from his bed and wrapped sam in a hug, despite feeling like he needed one himself.   
'dean.' sam looked up at dean and was about to speak again when Dean let go of sam, and walked out of his room.   
'sammy, not now. please. I'm not talking about that.' dean grabbed a beer from the fridge, and then proceeded to take the bottle of bourbon from the cabinet.   
sam just stood there silently watching as dean downed the beer, then started on the bourbon.   
clearing his throat, sam awkwardly made eye contact with dean.   
'dean. we have to talk about this. your getting worse dean, the nightmares, the drinking. your scaring me. you don't sleep, you barely eat...your not you. please, let me help you' sam tried to pry the bottle of bourbon from deans grip, but failed. dean took a sharp inhale of breath.  
'dude, no. I'm not getting into all that crap. I don't do heart to hearts, I don't talk about my feelings. happy to listen to your problems sammy, but I can handle my own.' dean slumped on the couch and closed his eyes, bottle of liquor clutched tightly in his hands. 

sam noticed how awful he looked. he noticed the weight loss, his sunken eyes, his ghostly skin. he noticed deans shaky hands and how he was constantly cold. he knew about deans nightmares, continuous ones, every time he went to sleep. ever since cas disappeared, dean had slowly been going off the rails. sam ran a hand through his hair, tugging at it slightly, then he retreated to his bedroom. 

sitting down on his bed, he began to pray to the angel Castiel.  
'Castiel? cas? it's me, sam. are you okay buddy? please come home...deans not doing so good. he needs you, cas. I need you. your family to me cas, and to dean...just please. please be okay. no matter what's keeping you away, it's not worth it. you know we always want you here with us. please come home cas, I don't know how to help dean...he's getting worse and worse. I'm scared he's going to kill himself.' 

having realised what he said, sam ended the prayer and sat there, enveloped in his own thoughts.   
it was true though. sam was scared. he'd never seen his brother so utterly hopeless, so bleak. he was so scared that dean would end it all. he knew he blamed himself for the deaths of their friends, their family. he knew dean blamed himself for driving cas away, if he wasn't dead.


	3. Chapter 3

Dean had managed to drink the full bottle of bourbon, three beers, and half a bottle of whisky, but the pain still wasn't numb. he could feel it, searing through his veins, coursing thickly like the demon blood sam had been addicted to.   
shuddering at the memory, dean rose from his seat on the couch and walked to the medicine drawer. looking through various items, he settled for 2 aspirin and 2 Oxycodone, from an almost full packet left over after his stint in hospital.   
washing the pills down with a mouthful of whisky, dean went to his room, and sat on his bed. 

he didn't know how long he had been sat there, drinking the whisky. ten minutes, an hour, several hours. time didn't matter to him anymore. he just wanted the pain gone. he reached for the tub of Oxycodone, and popped another two pills, again washing them down with whisky. leaning back he heaved a sigh of relief as a new found numbness washed over his body.   
he didn't know wether it was the drugs, or the alcohol, he didn't care. dean didn't ever want it to end. 

mom.  
dad.  
Ellen.  
Jo.  
Bobby.  
Kevin.  
Charlie.  
cas.

the names popped into his head, tearing through the serenity like demons. dean felt his conscience go into overdrive.   
'you did this.'  
'you failed them. all of them'  
'you failed dad. you failed cas. you failed them all.'  
'their dead because of you. because you were too weak.'

dean groaned and reached for the pills again, adding another two to the explosive cocktail he was mixing in his stomach. he clutched his head, clawing it his skin, doing anything to mask the pain and guilt. dragging his nails along his arms, scratching and scratching until they bled, he tried to mask the pain.   
he downed the remaining whisky and tried to stand to get some more, but his legs failed him. collapsing onto the floor of his bedroom, his vision became blurry, and his head began to spin. 

'cas? CAS?' dean swore he saw the angel standing in front of him, trench coat and tie, a whirlwind of dark hair and blue eyes.   
dean desperately tried to scramble to his feet, doing anything to get to cas.

the angel came up close to his face, harsh lines where he was scowling.   
'your no better than the rest of them dean. righteous man? look at you. your a mess. a failure. you killed them all, you know. they're all dead because of you. and Sams gonna die too. and me. but you know that. you always have known. everything you love, you lose.' 

dean whimpered under the glare of the angel, crawling backwards. he could barely see a thing now, everything was turning black.  
he reached his arm up off the ground, searching for the Oxycodone. grasping the bottle his fingers fumbled trying to get out another pill. dean suddenly collapsed, a tight pain in his chest, completely blacked out. he dropped the bottle and the pills spilled all over the floor. 

Sam was brought to attention by the distant sound of rattling, almost like rain...but it was inside.   
slowly standing, he grabbed his hand gun and crept from his bedroom, keeping it concealed, just in case there was an intruder.   
he heard nothing else, and the silence was suspicious.   
'dean?' he called out, but received no answer. sam walked towards deans room, and tapped on the door lightly.   
'dean? are you awake? did you hear tha...holy crap. dean? DEAN?!' sam had opened the door slightly to check on dean, and the sight before him almost made him throw up.

dean was laid in a heap, a gash on his head, laying in a small puddle of blood, surrounded by pills. on his bedside table was the empty bottle of whisky. 

sam raced towards dean, throwing the gun on the bed.   
'dean! dean! wake up buddy! come on, wake up! wake UP!' sam violently shook deans shoulders, then slapped him on the face, but it was no use, dean would not wake up.   
remembering his trick from earlier, he ran to the bathroom and again got a glass of icy water, throwing it over dean.   
his eyes twitched, and his leg spasmed, so sam screamed for him to wake up. picking him up easily, the younger Winchester raced from the bunker, putting dean in the impala and climbing in himself.   
'God dammit dean. why did you have to do this you stupid son of a bitch.'   
he practically flew the impala to the hospital, all the while checking deans pulse to make sure he hadn't died. 

sam was forced to wait in a small room while the doctors flushed deans stomach. they were calling it a suicide attempt.   
his brother tried to kill himself and sam had been none the wiser. 

a doctor walked into the room, coughing to get Sams attention.   
'Mr Smith? your brother has been stabilised. he's asleep, but you can go visit him if you wish. this was an incredibly close call, sir. if you had waited maybe 5-10 minutes, your brother would be dead.' the doctor gave sam a grim smile, turned, and walked away.   
sam was rooted to the spot. if he hadn't have heard those pills falling...if he had ignored it...he couldn't bear to think about losing his brother again.   
he scooted round the corner, heading towards deans room, before making a quick stop.   
walking into the hospitals chapel, sam sat himself down and looked towards the altar.   
'Castiel. dean almost died today. he tried to kill himself. he's a wreck. I don't know what to do. he needs you, we need you. suicide, cas. he tried to commit suicide.' 

dean looked so helpless laying on his hospital bed. he looked dead, his eyes were sunken, with deep purple bags underneath, and his skin was so pale it seemed translucent. sam wiped a tear from his eyes, and got up to stretch his legs. he had been sat watching over dean for three hours, but dean hadn't woken up. 

his head felt like it was going to explode. he couldn't lift his arms, he could barely move his head.   
well, he wasn't dead. this wasn't heaven and it definitely wasn't hell.   
a searing pain tore through deans head, causing him to gasp in pain. he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to steady his breathing. his hands were shaking and he began to burn up. 

'dean.' 

deans eyes shot open.


	4. Chapter 4

'dean.'

dean stared at the angel. his hair was ruffled and messy, as always. he had an ever so slight touch of stubble around his jawline. chapped lips.   
dean looked up at the Angels eyes. he could see concern, pain, anguish in the pools of blue.   
'c..cas?'  
'oh dean, what have you done?' Castiel looked at deans scabby arms, the scabs from when he had scratched himself to the point of bleeding. cas took in deans aura, feeling the pain the man was in, mentally and physically. he noted deans sunken eyes, his worryingly thin frame.   
'dean...what happened to you? why did this happen?'   
Dean sighed and felt tears welling up in his eyes.  
'i don't ma...it. it doesn't matter.' dean trembled under the Angels gaze.   
Castiel stood up, and came to sit on the edge of deans bed. he took deans hand in his, and held on tightly.   
deans hands stopped shaking under the  grip of castiels warm hand, and he looked up at cas, his eyes shining with tears.   
'cas, where did you go?' 

Castiel licked his lips, and lowered his gaze. he looked ashamed. raising his head to look back at dean, the angel explained as best he could what had happened.   
'there was..there was an uprising, in heaven. I was captured, along with Gabriel and Balthazar...we were thrown in heavens jail. I tried to get out dean, I could hear all sam and your prayers. I was worried, dean. but I couldn't do anything. it was torture. dean..I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't here for you.'

dean looked in shock at Castiel.   
'cas. this...all this mess...this wasn't your fault, okay? it's mine. I was selfish...I wanted to find you, but I was scared. I thought you were dead, and I couldn't bear to find your body. I just couldn't do it cas. I couldn't lose you.' 

dean sat limply in front of the angel, tears falling freely, rolling down his cheeks. his lip trembled as he looked at Castiel, his eyes begging for forgiveness.  
Castiel lifted his arm gingerly, and softly wiped a tear from deans cheek.   
'dean..I don't want you to blame yourself for what has happened. you have always done your best, and always put other people's needs before your own. dean, you are the most selfless man I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, and I assure you, you have not failed me, or anyone. charlie, Bobby, the others, they died fighting for a good cause, not by your hands. forgive yourself dean. please.' 

the angel had closed in on dean, defeating the argument of personal space yet again. but dean didn't care. he didn't think he ever would again. they were sat, hands linked together, faces within inches of each other. 

dean suddenly had an overwhelming feeling of belonging, sat with Castiel. despite being in a hospital, he felt so relieved to have his angel back by his side. it was like a huge weight had suddenly been lifted from his shoulders. dean let out a small sigh of relief, of happiness, which made cas in turn tilt his head to the side, a confused look cross his face.   
'dean? is everything okay? your in pain. let me heal you, please?' Castiel pleaded with dean, doing the puppy eyes that dean knew so well from sam.   
dean simply nodded his head in response, daring to look at the Angels soft features. deans stomach knotted tightly as the angel raised his hand, and just before he made contact with deans cheek, dean grabbed his hand and pulled it away. 

'dean?'  
'cas? um..why do you always..um..touch my face..when you heal me? coz um..I know you don't have to?' dean dared to peek at Castiel, who had a small smile on his lips and a bright passion in his eyes. 

'dean, you may not like my response.'  
'cas, please tell me.'  
Castiel licked his lips and looked dean straight in the eyes.   
'it's because...I like the feeling. of touching your face..of touching you. I like being close to you. we do share a profound bond after all...but, I like it. dean, you are my favourite human.'

dean breathed a sigh of relief, and when he looked at Castiel he could see worry in his eyes.   
'I'm sorry dean. I didn't mean to offend you, or go beyond what you see us as. I just feel like now is the best time to be honest with each oth-'

the angel was cut short by the hunter raising one of his fingers to his lips.  
'cas, you don't have to hide things like that from me. and if you like it..well..you can, Yano. touch me. if you want. heal me. but touch me as well...'   
dean looked at Castiel, praying that he would see what dean was saying.   
Castiel smiled, and leaned even closer to dean, breathing in his essence.   
'would..would this be an acceptable way to heal you, dean?' Castiel moved forward, and ghosted his lips over deans, then leaned back slightly to see deans response. 

dean just nodded, awestruck by Castiel. he leaned forward, and pulled Castiel into him, their lips pressing together softly.   
slowly but surely, they began to kiss more deeply, and dean began to heal. he felt it inside him, warm and glowing, but he felt it most on his scar. the handprint from when Castiel saved him from hell. 

'dean?' cas pulled back, looking at dean, his lips red and swollen.   
'yeah, cas?'   
'I love you.'   
'I know. I love you.' 

Castiel was now straddling dean, still on the hospital bed, and dean pulled him into a deep kiss once more, tasting the sweetness of his lips. he kissed castiels jaw softly, and cas whispered in his ear.   
'mine.'  
'yours.'

sam stood in the doorway, silently, his heart blaring from affection for the two. he had heard castiels wings when he left the room, and even against his better judgement he had stayed and eavesdropped.   
he was glad he had now.


End file.
